Hi, Tanstaafl and Hootie! The chinch is psyched. Psyched. PSYCHED, I tell you!! I've interviewed another chinchilla before, but never--nevah, nevah--interviewed an owl. And I'm lookin' forward to getting this party started.
Let's rock.
1. Mr. C. loves poultry because he finds it delish. What's Hootie's stance on eating poultry, and, because I love two-part questions, and I just gotta know, what's his stance on rodent consumption? First, I would like to say that we are glad to be here. That old Hootie is
loaded for bear. Well, at least he is loaded. That rascal found my new
squeezings and got just a tad high. But a Hootie totter is better than a
Hootie tooter. So, Here's Hootie. That is your cue, Hootie, get in there, Buddy.
#&%$%#! I promise not to bite Mr. C, Tanstaafl, even if he does look
good enough to eat. I promise. I promise. Now take the muzzle off my
head, OK? Good! Hi, Mr. C. Poultry is great. I'm poultry, you know,
and I have great taste. Just like that Charlie guy, Tuna, you know?
Huh? What's that? Oh, Charlie tasted good? Well, dagnabbit, I do too,
but you aint never gonna get a bite of it, that's for danged sure. Not
today! I'm a gonna go on home if that's why you invited me down here
today, bring me in a doggoned old cage and muzzled to boot. It is
enough to make a feller heist his tail and leave a good message. Huh?
Oh, yeah, the other part of a two parter. As far as rats is concerned,
I don't eat 'em. Voles, now, that is a different story. They are
gooood! "Specially after the sun hits 'em for a minute or two and warms
'em up.
2. A little bird tells me Hootie knows his romance. What's Hootie's best tip for attracting females into his nest? Boy, does Hootie ever know the tricks. Why many a day I've seen
him--What? OH. OK. Hootie, you're on again. I wonder when I get to
say anything?
Woo hoo, the ONLY way to get a gal like Lorena into the nest is to lay a
big old blacksnake or copperhead in there. And if you can find a
rattler, then Katie, BAR THE DOOR!
3. This one's for Tanstaafl. Thanks to my dubious chinchilla connections, I can arrange for a meeting between you and any corporate executives in the world. All you need to do is tell me who you want to meet and list the topics you want to address. So what's the round table gonna be like? You know, I'm retired now but I am still bound by certain agreements
made back when I was the cock of the walk, so I have to be a mite
circumspect about this. HARRRUUUMMMPH! I thin probably the head of all
the beer companies in the US except Coors. Naturally, the topic has to
be Coors, but specifically it is about how to keep Colorado Kool-Aid
from infiltrating its way into the state. I do have a special interest
in this, you know, as my, ahem, distillery is running into a few fiscal
problems stemming from the illegal importation of Kool-Aid, and it is
either keep Coors out or go, hat in hand, to the Guv, for a bailout. And
then He gets in on the act and, well, you see, I am just not ready to
deal off 45% of my gross yet.
4. I'll let you two decide who answers this one: What is the greatest invention? Hee hee, I'll take this one, Hootie! No doubt about it. The
battery powered electric mousetrap. Right, Hootie?
5. Would either one of you ever wear a giant chinchilla mascot costume, and, if so, under what circumstance(s). (I have to ask, k?) Ummm. I knew that one was coming. Obligatory, huh? Yeah, I
probably would, if it has been defleaed, and if I can let Hootie sit on
my shoulder and -----No, the last time that #&*(^%$ bird did a number
right down my back, so scratch Hootie. No, seriously, scratch Hootie,
yeah, right about there. Any better, Hootie? Feels good, don't it?
6. Now it's time for Mr. Chinchilla's Pick Three. Assuming a giant asteroid were about to strike Earth, pick the three peeps most likely to assist the world in averting the crisis, and, for bonus chinchilla points, explain your picks. Give us just a sec, Mr. C., that one came on too quick. OK. First
we want the services of Henny Penny. We got to know it is coming before
we can do anything, right? And then we want Superman. He can fly up
there, even higher than Hootie on a kite, and bash it back into the sky
and save us all and forever more we will be so proud of, of, of Mr. C.
of course. After all who else would interview a skinny scruffy looking
bird that claims to be a silly owl? Not to mention that fine,
upstanding , young handsome, manly man who WHO WHOOO WHOOOOO!
(You're beginning to get on my nerves, bird!)
7. Let's shift gears. How does Hootie handle mean folks? You know, the ones who write nasty comments on blogs, press all the buttons in the elevator before getting out and cut in front of you in line at the supermarket? Hootie, you want this one? OK. I'll wing it then, heh heh heh!
Hootie is a great believer in laissez faire. He never tries to get
anyone's goat. (Now, if that goat happens to be a little on the other
side of this life and especially if it is a little mite rare from lying
in the morning sun, he is apt to take just a small little nibble. Oh,
yeah.). He refuses to use elevators so that is really no problem (says
there is something inherently wrong with the theory. Hell, ask him
about it sometime, I gave up trying to figure it out ages ago!) And no
one gets in my way any more. I always take Hootie with me to the
souper-market. He sticks pretty close to me, and no one ever gets
underneath him the second time, if you get my drift, and if you, do then
you won't get his.
8. I'm giving you and Hootie my magic, black baseball cap, and it's going to allow you to broadcast your very own program in the slot previously occupied by "According to Jim" on ABC. What will you call the show, who is in it and for even more bonus chinchilla points, can you tell us who will star? Oh, easy as 1,2,3.
"Lady and the Mutt", the true story of the Lady and the Mutt at home,
starring, quite simply--the Lady and the Mutt ---and maybe the Chilluns.
9. Taanstaafl, I know you're a poet, but Mr. C. wants to know who are some of you favorite poets and/or authors? I love ALL kinds of writing, prose, poetry, magazines newspapers,
catalogues, toilet paper. And a list of favorite writers a yard
long--Asimov, Heinlein, Clark, Pournelle and Niven (who introduced me to
my favorite food by the way, but on the gripping hand, it is CROTTLED
GREEPS, and you have to stab them in exactly the right place or you may
become their favorite food, but that is another story for another day),
McCaffrey, Norton, Jakes, Michener, Eliot, Wadsworth, Burns, Arnold,
Steinbeck, Frost, Longfellow, and a host of others too long to fully
itemize--and a very special blogging buddy who shall remain nameless,
even though she knows who she is.
And that Tanstaafl's alter ego writes a pretty fair diatribe too, but
you know, PERFECT IT AINT.
10. And, finally, what are your favorite vacation spots? It's been fun, Mr. C. and although Hootie is just about to burst
himself wanting to stroke your fur, he is far too much of a gentleman
to--dammit, Hootie, BACK IN THE CAGE! Sorry, Mr. C., he has never seen
such fine chinchilla fur before.
Now about places to vacation. After having been all over the world,
from Raccoon Creek to Beech Fork to Spurlock Creek and a couple times
all the way to Glenwood and once out to Lavalette, I gotta say my front
yard is THE place for the perfect vacation. No hassles with flights or
rentals (Well, except for that one time Hootie tried to rent the Piper
Cub to bring the family home from Lorena's home down in Georgia. I
tell you, when he crashed that sucker , it was one rainy night in
Georgia.) The food is always excellent and available on a moments
notice, 7/24/365. And the company is always of the highest caliber,
when I can keep Hootie back in the woods anyhoo.
Thanks, Hootie and Tanstaafl, for agreeing to interview with the chinchilla! I hope you enjoyed it as much as Mr. C. did--and you rock!!!
